


What The World Looks Like From Up So High

by EmeraldAshes



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Carnival, Connor Deserves Happiness, Ferris Wheels, Fluff and Angst, Got a fear of heights? Might freak you out a tad, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-16 17:21:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11833437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmeraldAshes/pseuds/EmeraldAshes
Summary: Evan, stuck on a Ferris Wheel with a near-stranger, thought about how high up they were—at least sixty feet by now. He thought about how there wasn’t a seat belt, just a loose chain that he could easily slip under. He thought about the rush of air in his ears when he fell, the crunch of his arm, the awful realization that no one was coming. No one was ever going to come.Then Connor Murphy spoke, “Don’t.”





	What The World Looks Like From Up So High

Today, Evan’s thoughts were more real than the people around him. He was so disconnected from the world that it felt like he could walk through walls. It felt like he was already dead. Evan longed to isolate himself—to stay in his empty home and eat frozen food, to walk to Ellison State Park and climb trees. But it was better if he stayed around people, even if it made him miserable. It was safer. He was less likely to...

…Anyway, that was why he had agreed when Zoe had invited him to the carnival. The crowds made him anxious, the food made him sick, and the rides seemed really rickety and dangerous and would probably get him killed, not that that would be a—Evan forced the thought aside. If he just kept it on the periphery, just didn’t say the word, just pretended that the fall ten months ago had been an accident, then he would be okay.

He _was_ okay, or at least a lot better than he had been at the start of senior year. Through the miracle of a class project, Evan finally had a group of friends. He wasn’t anyone’s best friend or anything, and he didn’t kid himself that they were all that close, but they existed. Even Jared had mostly dropped the “family” part of “family friend.” Every few weeks, they hung out. It was…was nice. He should be grateful.

The group approached the church parking lot where the carnival had shuddered into the sky a few days earlier. Zoe and Alana—glued-together in high school love—walked arm-in-arm, while Jared chattered at them from beside Alana. Evan walked behind them. This was the usual configuration when the sidewalk was too small to fit all four of them. Evan would trail behind and try to listen, but wouldn’t hear enough to be comfortable contributing anything himself.

Today was a little different because Zoe had brought her brother along—“Not my decision”—she had muttered when she half-heartedly introduced him, and Connor had growled, “Sure as fuck wasn’t mine.”

Connor walked beside Evan, shoulders slightly hunched like he was prepared to tackle the next person who looked at him funny. Evan made a concerted effort to keep his eyes on the back of Zoe’s head. She had dyed her hair a brighter blonde a few weeks ago. It looked nice, but Evan hadn’t worked up the courage to tell her so for four days, and by then it would have been weird to suddenly comment, right? Yeah, no, it would definitely be weird.

“Right, Evan?” Zoe said, smiling back at him.

“S-sure,” Evan immediately agreed.

“Fine, we’ll _start_ with the lame-ass Ferris Wheel,” Jared said. “But then we’re going full Gravitron.”

“I’ve always found the scientific principles behind that ride to be quite interesting,” Alana said.

“It a-always gives me a headache,” Evan mumbled.

Jared laughed. “That’s the _point_.”

“I think I’ll pass,” Connor said.

Zoe stopped walking, a hand on her hip and fight in the jut of her chin. “ _No_. I am not gonna get in trouble because you ran off and joined the carnival or whatever while I was stuck babysitting you.”

Jared snorted. “Babysitting.”

Connor glared at Zoe. “You know you can’t actually stop me from doing whatever the fuck I want, right?”

Zoe narrowed her eyes. “You know I know the passwords to all of your accounts, _right?_ ”

Connor rolled his eyes and begrudgingly followed them to the Ferris Wheel. Zoe and Alana hopped on to a bright yellow seat, Jared squeezing in between them to their loudly-stated annoyance. That left Evan with Connor, and clearly neither of them wanted to go up. Evan could do _literally anything else,_ if he could just muster up the courage to open his mouth and express an opinion. Instead, he found himself slowly creaking into the sky with a silent Connor Murphy.

Evan tried to focus on the view. It looked pretty, he guessed. It was early nighttime, just late enough that the streetlights had turned on and all the windows glowed a soft yellow. Most of the stars hadn’t come out, but it wasn’t like Evan knew the constellations or anything. He kept his eyes on the empty sky because when he looked down, he thought about how high up they were—at least sixty feet by now. He thought about how there wasn’t a seat belt, just a loose chain that he could easily slip under. He thought about the rush of air in his ears when he fell, the crunch of his arm, the awful realization that no one was coming. No one was ever going to come.

That was when the Ferris Wheel lurched to a stop.

“Oh, come on! We just got started again,” a girl from below shouted.

“They’re almost certainly letting on more passengers,” Alana said from the yellow pod above them, which teetered at the very peak of the wheel.

Evan wasn’t panicking, exactly. His breaths were coming in fast, and he knew that this was bad, that this was very bad, that he needed to either get off the Ferris Wheel or stop thinking, but he could never stop thinking. And he couldn’t get off because they were stuck. They were stuck, and he was stuck. He just watched the world from up so high, twice as high as the tree, surely high enough to kill him.

Connor touched his arm, and Evan flinched away, the car bucking beneath them. Connor retracted his hand, but his eyes never left Evan’s. “Don’t.”

Evan didn’t respond, could hardly force breath past his dry throat. He just stared back, still dazed, still half-gone.

Connor loudly swallowed and looked away. “I might be projecting, but just…don’t do anything stupid.”

Evan watched as Connor ran an agitated hand through his long hair, tearing open knots with a small grimace. Evan had never really _looked_ at Connor before—the last time he had stared, the guy had shoved him and called him a freak, so anything short of nervous glances seemed like a bad idea. Connor’s hair scraggled down to his shoulders. He wore a hoody over a dark button-down shirt over a T-shirt. He rubbed at his arms like they were cold, but it was May and almost too warm for all the layers Connor was wearing. Maybe Connor was just cold all the time because he was so thin?

Connor looked up at him. His eyes were blue, like Zoe’s, but with a spot of brown in the corner of his right eye…or left eye? No, wait, right. It, it was supposed to be from Connor’s perspective; Evan was pretty sure.

“Are you afraid of heights?” With the right tone of voice, that might have been a threat, but Connor seemed nervous, and his slightly nasally voice undercut him even at his angriest.

“N-no. I’m not.”

“I am,” Connor said, his eyes still focused on Evan. There were so many shades of color in his eyes, shadows and ripples of blue and brown dappling his iris.

Evan cleared his throat. “You seem really, uh, c-calm.”

Connor picked at his chipped nail polish. “I’m a panic after kind of guy.”

“Oh.”

They returned to silence, and a few minutes later, Jared shouted, “Yo, Evan! You okay, buddy?”

“He’s alright,” Connor called up.

The pod above them rocked slightly. “See, the fact that _Connor_ just answered for you is really not inspiring confidence here. Evan, pal, has Connor killed you yet? Be honest.”

“No! No, of course he, he just…No,” Evan answered.

“Cool. Good to know. Okay, Evan, back me up here,” Jared continued. “We should have gone Gravitron, right?”

Zoe’s groan floated down to them. “Oh my _God_ , Jared.”

“Because this ride is broken, no question. This is not in the manual.”

Alana’s cheerful voice brought some order to the world. “On a positive note, if this goes on for more than three hours, we can expect news helicopters. If it goes on longer than that, it might be a good topic for a college essay. For Zoe or Evan, I mean. I’m already accepted at Yale, of course.”

“Of course,” Connor muttered.

“Hang in there, buddy,” Jared said. “And if Connor tries to throw you off the side, remember that biting is totally cool in an unfair fight.”

Annoyance filled Evan’s chest, and he wished he had the strength to snap back. Connor just saved my life. He saved my life. I’m not sure if I wanted him to, but he did. Evan turned to Connor, sure he could at least manage, “Thanks. For, f-f-for…”

“I’ve been there”—Connor rubbed his arm again, his hand sliding down to loosely grip his wrist—“Let’s talk about something else…What do you like to do?”

“I, um, I like to go to the p-park.”

“Not that,” Connor says. “Something unexpected.”

“L-like what?”

“How the hell would I know? I’m not you.” Connor looked annoyed, which wasn’t surprising because Evan had asked a stupid question.

“S-sorry.

The lines around Connor’s eyes relaxed, and the clench of his jaw softened. “You’re fine. You don’t have to answer right now. We might be stuck up here for a while.”

Evan tried to think of something, anything. All the nature stuff was out. Music, any music, seemed cliché. He didn’t even really _watch_ TV. He watched a lot of Let’s Plays on Youtube, but that was maybe guessable, just another way of interacting-without-interacting.

Connor was looking at him. He had to say something. “Wh-what about you?”

Connor answered immediately because of course he had something prepared, you didn’t ask a question like that without knowing how you would respond. “Soap operas. They’re cheesy as fuck, over-dramatic, and full of relationship bullshit that doesn’t matter, but…it doesn’t matter, y’know? It’s kind of nice.”

“I, um, get that. That’s why I watch h-horror movies.”

There was the slightest twitch at the corner of Connor’s mouth, and for a moment Evan thought he was going to laugh at him. “Seriously?”

Evan nodded. “Yeah.”

“Please tell me it’s all gore and snuff films.”

“N-no,” Evan said. “I mean, I kind of liked Wolf Creek, even though it, um, made me uncomfortable. It was really well done, but I’m not really into p-people being tortured and, and stuff.”

“Lame.” There was a hint of laughter in Connor’s voice and his eyes.

“I like slashers, and uh, a _lot_ of stuff, actually. Ghosts, vampires, really bad B-movies, descent into insanity kind of stuff. Like, like I just saw _Black Swan._ That was good.”

“Is that even a horror movie?”

Evan sat up with enough energy to rattle their seat and spoke in a rush. “Yes! It aims to unsettle people, it exemplifies a human fear, and there’s even a lot of violence and blood and thing that are horrifying. The critics call it a psychological thriller because it’s not like anyone would ever give a dumb horror film an Oscar. That’s just _crazy._ ”

Connor had moved a little closer, his body angled toward Evan, his chin resting in his hand. His eyes were fully on Evan, and it should be uncomfortable receiving such rapt attention. Instead, Evan felt a little giddy. Connor said, “How long have you been sitting on that rant?”

Evan blushed. “A few weeks? S-sorry. I, um, I sh-shouldn’t have shouted.”

Connor licked his lips. Was he even blinking? “I think you should shout more often. It’s really ho…interesting. Really interesting. Very compelling…Yeah.”

“Th-thanks.” Evan smiled at Connor, and Connor unbelievably smiled back. It didn’t, like, transform his face or anything, but it made him seem a little more approachable, a little kinder. Someone you might ask directions from, if you passed him on the street. Connor leaned toward Evan, and for a moment he thought—

The seat lurched.

“Fuck,” Connor snapped, one hand grabbing the side of the seat and the other snagging Evan’s hand.

“W-we’re moving,” Evan murmured, a little dizzy with the warmth of the hand on his and the realization that they were moving to the peak of the wheel, then finally descending. It was start-and-stop for a while as two irritated workers unloaded a couple dozen pissed off riders, but eventually they were all on the ground.

When Evan stumbled past the line of people who were still willing to go up on the deathtrap he’d just escaped, Zoe was hugging Connor.

“That totally sucked,” Zoe said.

Connor shrugged, a slight smile still warming his tone. “I had a pretty good time, actually.”

“Of course you did.” Zoe rolled her eyes as she stepped back from the hug, briefly placing a hand on Evan’s shoulder as she returned to Alana.

Alana flashed her brightest smile. “I don’t suppose I could persuade you all to ride the Pharaoh’s Fury?”

“N-no more rides!” Evan yelped.

“What about carnival games?” Alana pressed.

As Jared and Zoe argued about which game to play first (Is it my fault you can’t shoot a water gun? Is it _mine_ you have zero hand-eye coordination?), Evan let himself fall back to walk beside Connor. The taller boy scratched anxiously at his arms, and his hands were trembling slightly, so slightly that Evan wouldn’t have noticed if his mind didn’t keep drifting back to Connor grabbing his hand.

Evan tentatively reached out, his fingertips brushing Connor’s arm. “A-are you…?”

“Fine,” Connor said, but he leaned into Evan’s touch. “I just…don’t like heights.”

Evan hummed, quietly acknowledging the answer and encouraging Connor to continue.

Connor’s lips twisted into a harsher smile than before, tinged with pain. “I did say I would freak out after. I just…Do you see that?”

Evan’s eyes followed Connor’s rough gesture. “The…the Ferris Wheel?”

“Do you see how fucking high up we were, and you almost... _Fuck._ ”

Evan looked down, tried not to think about…tried not to think. Let himself focus just on Connor. “Do you maybe wanna go someplace else?”

“With you?” Connor said quickly. “Yeah.”

Evan’s hand slipped off Connor’s arm, so that their hands were just barely touching. Zoe, Alana, and Jared walked further away from them, and Evan was suddenly certain that he and Connor could just disappear without anyone noticing. For once, the feeling excited him. “Th-there’s a new horror movie playing at the AMC.”

Connor’s eyes met his. “Does it look good?”

Evan gave him a half-smile, embarrassment and happiness mixing and bubbling inside him. “Honestly? It looks terrible.”

Connor tangled their fingers together. “Let’s go.”

**Author's Note:**

> Evan liking horror movies is totally head canon for me. On a related note, I just accidentally wrote a zombie apocalypse AU. It started as 3 jokes. But then I wanted to add some set-up, bring in a couple running gags, the angst snuck in, aaaaaaand it’s currently 8 pages long.


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